I wrote an essay for one of my English Professors in college. I found this in a bunch old files wile I was poking around on my hard drive. Thought I'd share it. I wrote in on Oct 2006. Enjoy. :)
Look genius, just because your so freakin' smart doesn't mean you can slack off and still fail. You need to work at it. Being a failure takes a lot of determination and effort. Not everyone can do it, but I have faith in you.
First and foremost be sure to show up to class as little as possible. This may take a little research because you need to find out what the state, or the school has determined what the minimal attendance requirement to still get credit for the course. Remember you want an F, not a W.
Don't be a butt head while you're there either. Just because you want to screw up your life doesn't mean you have to bring the rest of the class down with you. You can still be a good person and even a good listener and still fail everything for credit.
Stay up late watching TV, or better yet, playing video games. This way, even if you have a pang of guilt about not showing up all the time you can't make it anyway. Waking up at 1 in the afternoon is a surefire way to assure you don't make it to class. Video games are great for that. They allow you to lose track of time so easily that you can almost guarantee that you won't make it to class the next day.
If you need help picking a video game to play simply choose something that has a monthly fee like World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XI or Dungeons and Dragons Online to name a few. Anything that has a monthly fee will have so much more content than a regular game that it's really hard to get bored with it. If you do get bored with one of them, find another. There are dozens of pay-to-play games that are really good. Some have even been blamed with the death of marriages, and child suicides! Something that engrossing will surely keep you from going to school in the morning.
Now, you're going to want to do all your assignments, this is normal. Don't worry, odds are that because you've showed up so little that when you actually DO get the assignments you need to do, even if you can figure out what they are about, you won't have enough time to complete them by the time they are due. This will pave the way toward your failure. Be strong. And if you chose the right video games you may not even want to bother with the assignments anyway!
Most teachers and school staff will want to help you. That's their job. They also probably really want to help you because you're so screwed right now. That's ok, don't panic. You can say no to all this help, it's your right. And even if you do get some help at the end, if you've played your cards right, it will be too late anyway. Just try not to talk about how that dragon raid went last night, or how you spent all week killing the same monster over and over so you can get that last piece of armor for your character. It's disrespectful to flaunt your school failure in others faces. Above all, be modest.
That's about it. Do all that and you'll be sure to waste everyone's time and money and get F's across the board. And remember, just because others don't fail doesn't mean they are less of a person. They were simply raised that way. It's not their fault. Not everyone can fail as strongly as you can. Remember, I have faith in you.
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