How to fail miserably, without the aid of drugs or alcohol

I wrote an essay for one of my English Professors in college.  I found this in a bunch old files wile I was poking around on my hard drive.  Thought I'd share it.  I wrote in on Oct 2006. Enjoy. :)

---

Look genius, just because your so freakin' smart doesn't mean you can slack off and still fail. You need to work at it. Being a failure takes a lot of determination and effort. Not everyone can do it, but I have faith in you.

First and foremost be sure to show up to class as little as possible. This may take a little research because you need to find out what the state, or the school has determined what the minimal attendance requirement to still get credit for the course. Remember you want an F, not a W.

Don't be a butt head while you're there either. Just because you want to screw up your life doesn't mean you have to bring the rest of the class down with you. You can still be a good person and even a good listener and still fail everything for credit.

Stay up late watching TV, or better yet, playing video games. This way, even if you have a pang of guilt about not showing up all the time you can't make it anyway. Waking up at 1 in the afternoon is a surefire way to assure you don't make it to class. Video games are great for that. They allow you to lose track of time so easily that you can almost guarantee that you won't make it to class the next day.

If you need help picking a video game to play simply choose something that has a monthly fee like World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XI or Dungeons and Dragons Online to name a few. Anything that has a monthly fee will have so much more content than a regular game that it's really hard to get bored with it. If you do get bored with one of them, find another. There are dozens of pay-to-play games that are really good. Some have even been blamed with the death of marriages, and child suicides! Something that engrossing will surely keep you from going to school in the morning.

Now, you're going to want to do all your assignments, this is normal. Don't worry, odds are that because you've showed up so little that when you actually DO get the assignments you need to do, even if you can figure out what they are about, you won't have enough time to complete them by the time they are due. This will pave the way toward your failure. Be strong. And if you chose the right video games you may not even want to bother with the assignments anyway!

Most teachers and school staff will want to help you. That's their job. They also probably really want to help you because you're so screwed right now. That's ok, don't panic. You can say no to all this help, it's your right. And even if you do get some help at the end, if you've played your cards right, it will be too late anyway. Just try not to talk about how that dragon raid went last night, or how you spent all week killing the same monster over and over so you can get that last piece of armor for your character. It's disrespectful to flaunt your school failure in others faces. Above all, be modest.

That's about it. Do all that and you'll be sure to waste everyone's time and money and get F's across the board. And remember, just because others don't fail doesn't mean they are less of a person. They were simply raised that way. It's not their fault. Not everyone can fail as strongly as you can. Remember, I have faith in you.

We truely live in amazing times

I've recently setup the wireless network in my apartment allowing me to connect my iPhone to the internet without connecting it to my PC via the USB cable. This is all sorts of awesome. So far the only drawback is it enables me to piss away money on stupid apps and iTunes at an accelerated rate. But then I guess thats how you learn self control right? Or go broke 99 cents at a time.

That's pretty brilliant isn't it? The way the iPhone has really capitalized on the impulse buy. Its like the last 5 minutes of grocery shopping extended to 24 hours a day. You know, the 5 feet or so preceding the checkout person. Has all the candy, gum, tabloids, TV guide, etc. All the crap you really don't go looking for, but since its there, and your staring at it anyway. I mean, this old lady with the bag of coupons hasn't even busted out her checkbook yet, so I've got a few minutes. Why not look at the tabloid rags... then you get hooked into some stupid thing and walk out with the thing. Its just like that, only ALL THE TIME! Bravo Apple, bravo.

So yea, now that the wireless connection is up, I don't have to download at 3G, but as fast as my cable modem will give me, which is pretty darn fast compared to the cell network. I grabbed a few songs because i could. Its different when its that fast. Grabbed a whole album in a few minutes. There goes $10. Don't regret that one yet though, good album :) And no I'm not telling you what it is. I will not contribute to the delinquency of your bank account. I have enough guilt over my own :p

But really, iPhone has that app where you hear a song and it tells you what it is, you click buy and poof, you own the album. It was just the background music at some store you walked by, and now you own the album. How cool is that?? Do kids today know how awesome it is now? Or have I just gotten to the point where I'm that old guy that says "You kids don't know how good you have it."? I remember my parents telling ME that, and I was all like 'what-ever'. Wow, progress is cool.

Use the Force, bitch!

I love the 'Jedi Knight' series of games. They are first person shooters where you are a Jedi, from Star Wars. And the game progressed in a way where you can choose light or dark side powers. And sometimes both in the later games. I loved those force powers. The light side ones were kinda passive, you can heal yourself, cover yourself in a shield, that kinda thing. The dark powers were freakin angry. Like Gripping your opponent and choking them to death, firing lightning from your hand like the emperor in 'Return of the Jedi', stuff like that. I always liked the dark powers, but made 'light' choices when it came right down too it. It lead me to this theory regarding Star Wars universe theory. One of my favorite things to do was grip the guy by the throat, lift them up in the air and then force push them up into the air and throw my light saber at them and try to slice them in two. Ahh such happy memories.

So with that said, I'm thinking Anger is the source of all power. I mean, when else do you feel you could crush that car in front of you with your mind, or swat it away with a wave of your hand? Only when your really pissed. So, what if all 'force' power is derived from anger? If that's the case, then why is yoda so powerful, he's always so chill. I bet he's got like 500 years of short jokes just eating away at him. Isn't he like 900 years old or something? I bet it was 500 or so years of torment before he got pissed enough to unleash the force on some punks. And no one fucks with him or they get the same. Now he just sits and stews all quiet like. Thats why he can't talk straight, he's still so pissed he can't form a sentence. He's just pretending to be all calm in order to be polite.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she was like, what do you mean cranky? He can look up chicks skirts all the time, how can he be angry! And ya know what? She's right. How can a lifetime of up-skirts and under-boob keep someone angry? I can't imagine that. There is something very calming about boobs viewed from underneath that is just so soothing. So maybe I'm wrong and there is another source of power in the universe other than anger. But then even when describing the effect that must have on yoda's little yoda, it would be described as raging. Hrmm.

Telling ya though, I'd totally be all up on the dark side for powers. I'm too angry to be otherwise. But i'd only choke the guilty, and annoying. You know, responsible uses of my force powers. And I promise I'd only swat cars out from in front of me when I'm really late for work or have to poop.

Oh and I didn't even mention the light sabers. Geez, I think I'm too much of a dumbass to have one of these for real. I'd put in on the passenger seat when i get in the car and cut half the door off or something. Or swing it around trying to impress the chicks and slice my freakin arm off. Yea, I can live without the spiffy light saber. But sign me up for some force powers. A little telekinesis never hurt anyone. ...yet. :D